A Year in the Life
It’s been a year. And looking back on the goals I set out for myself, I am saddened to read that many have fallen short.
On the corkboard above my desk where I often post reference photos and materials for works in progress, I decided this year to also post, what I hoped would be a guiding principle that forced me to focus on being present rather than mired in past mistakes, hurts and disappointments. The guide post reads, “Last year I Survived, but this year I want to Live.“
2022 was a year where I managed to do much of what I had in the past: Getting through. There were more health concerns, less exercise than I would have liked, more slogging through day to day in a perpetual state of to-do lists, my days centered around my calendar.
When am I going to start having fun? I’d often ask myself when another weekend rolled around and I was again sitting at my desk. Or I had turned down another invitation because of a deadline. Or I agreed to go to an event and spent much of the time worrying about, you guessed it--work. Fun and being present never made it onto my calendar.
This week, as my adult children began trickling home for the holidays, we gathered in the kitchen catching up. When my daughter Maya remarked on the contact photos I had chosen for each of them on my phone, we all began sharing our favorite photos of each other. I had chosen a wide mouthed smile of Maya on a girls vacay in Tulum, Mexico; a sweet, romantic one of my eldest daughter Jaime and her partner Zakh; my youngest Leila after her very surprising and newly pierced septum, and my son’s studious and hopeful senior thesis photo.
We showed pics of the dogs Miles and Nola, we loved, gone now, but never, ever forgotten; of our favorite family gatherings. We groaned over earlier pre-invisalign, bad hair and fashion decision versions of ourselves.
But then, Leila showed me her all-time favorite picture of me. It was 2021, shortly before I was set to host a weekend birthday bash for my husband James’ 60th birthday party. Based on the time stamp, out-of-town guests were en route, I was juggling cooking, transportation issues, housecleaning, and coordinating final DJ, bartender details for the next evening’s dance party. And yet, all that I wanted this one particular afternoon was to have a good time. To finally put away work and my stupid calendar and enjoy the act of celebration with family and friends. So, apparently, I set an intention and I set my timer. On my phone, at 3:30 pm for the alarm label, I wrote, “Fun Lesa/Whatever Happens, happens.” When the timer rang, I vowed I would have fun and let everything else go. I would finally be present and show up in the way I wanted to each and every year in the goals I set for myself. And from what I can recall the world did not collapse. I remember having one of the best weekends of my life where I thought of little else but connection and engagement with my guests. I was actually present and having fun. Fun Lesa.
2023 I know will be filled with life’s usual bumps, hardships and unexpected pitfalls. My main goal this year will be this: Instead of posting an inspirational mantra, I will post on my board my daughter’s favorite picture of me revealing the two very real, very distinct aspects of me. One, a person who needs to plan every moment of every day. The other, a person craving the need to let go and embrace life. But unlike an affirmation, I am hoping this photo will serve as a daily reminder the importance of goal setting and planning should always include setting time and intention aside for fun and the freedom of letting go and letting be and most importantly letting life, and not a calendar, lead the way.
